I always thought that I was special. Nobody ever really said that I was, but that's how it was conveyed to me. I felt emotions and feelings that no one could understand, and I never even thought for a moment that this was some kind of miracle. It just simply was who I had been.
Being a child the way I was was never easy, and I let the whole world know it if they were willing to listen. I fought any kind of change in my routine, sometimes kicking and screaming, other times by simply saying, "No, thank you. I don't want to." My family had a hard time understanding it, I'm sure, and if there could have been a way to explain to them how I felt, I would've done so without a second thought. Unfortunately, they had no answers, though. They just took care of me the best they could.
As I grew up I became very apathetic to everything around me. Unless it involved me directly, I simply didn't care. I drank almost every day, not always to excess, but just enough to slow me down a little. My mind went so fast and there were always so many thoughts at once, the alcohol helped me slow it down and organize it. To most around me, they never even knew, and that's how I wanted it. Not being noticed could be my best friend sometimes, even if it were also my worst enemy.
My subconscious was an even bigger mess than when I was awake and alert. My dreams were very vivid and real, and they were so hellish I still don't know what has kept my sanity to date. On the other hand, to see the kinds of things I saw there and actively remember it is quite a gift. Again, small amounts of daily alcohol helped to suppress that part of me, and I would sleep more soundly and less actively.
I always thought I was just gifted. Something different than the run of the mill. I first learned what the condition "autism" Meant when my wife told me our children may have it. We never picked up on it with Julie, since as a toddler she simply acted like how I did when I was one. I soon found out that both our boys would have that curse, and it's now possible that my daughter also has it and we never knew. To my wife and I it was rather difficult news to take. Nobody wants to be told that their children are different. I never cared if I was, but that's because I liked me.
When the psychologist met us for the first time and sat down with my youngest child, she was nearly certain of two things right away. One, that Joshua was more than likely autistic, and two, that I also showed signs of high functioning autism. Now for the first time in my life, I am no longer considered blessed, but rather cursed in some way. This put my entire life from birth up into a whole new perspective.
I would like to say that I am not sorry I found this out. I am the best fucking person I could ever be today because of who I am, what I learned, and how I learned it. I am strong, confident, and certain beyond all doubt that I can, and will, succeed in life. I may not be as sympathetic to others, and I may show my feelings in an entirely different way than the rest of the world, but in a lot of ways that just helps to keep me ahead of things. I am not cursed, but still the gifted person I always was.
As for my three wonderful children, with proper intervention and help, as hard as raising them may be, I have the greatest of hope and faith that they will soar far higher than I ever could, with a strong education and the lord our god to help them. They are, and will always be, the biggest reason why I am blessed and gifted after all.
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