This week had been particularly taxing on me. Last Saturday I picked up my truck from the dealership complete with a $1350.00 repair bill and an exhaust falling off it's manifold, which I then had to take to another mechanic to fix because the damn thing made more noise than the space shuttle. My wife and I were denied government assistance for our special needs children because I make too much money, according to them. My house is also currently sinking into the ground, and I have to rip the swimming pool out of my backyard since I can't afford to buy a new pump and filter for it. There's more going on, but I think you get the drift.
I'm not complaining about any of these issues. They are nobody else's problem. As a matter of fact, as strange as it sounds, I'm glad that I had all this come up this week, because it taught me a valuable lesson. Life sucks sometimes, and you can't always help that, but you can always do your best to make it better. Will it get better? Who knows, but if you don't try then what the hell ARE you doing?
I started a new job at work this week, and I wasn't thrilled about it because it wasn't the job that I was supposed to get. I just chalked it up with everything else that went wrong and tried to make the most of it. I was placed across the line from another man who was also originally from Michigan, what's now become a state of abandonment. He had worked for the corporation just about as long as I had, only he was nearly twice my age.
As I learned the new job, the people who trained me said the guy had an extremely bad attitude, and I soon found that to be an understatement. This guy went on for hours that he hated living in Kansas City and couldn't wait to leave. His back and neck hurt from doing the job and it wasn't fair that management stuck him there. Gas was going up to five dollars a gallon, and we'd all be out of a job soon. On and on this guy went, telling me his many tales of woe, and how the world had turned it's back on him.
What this man could not tell me was how he was going to solve any of his problems. I began explaining to him that I was trying to make a better run at life, that it was never too late, and that nobody should ever stop improving themselves as human beings. All I received in return was more negativity, at times contradicting the original negative things he said. I then realized that this man had condemned himself a slow and torturous death at his own hands. I personally am not into martyrdom, nor will I ever be.
In the end, I can't solve all of my problems right now, and this person probably won't ever solve his, but if you do not try, you are no longer alive in the scheme of things. You are dying slowly, and life can no longer mean anything to you. I could have told this gentleman he had just won five million dollars, and I'm sure he'd have found something negative to say about it. The way he viewed things, there is no hope, and I guess when I got home from work I might as well have put a pistol in my mouth and pulled the trigger, saving myself more pain and suffering. After all, nothing is going to make the world better.
Maybe I'm still young and naive, but I still have some hope, and he should too. If you're not happy with your life, change it. You are still living, right? It doesn't matter if you're 30 or 300 years old. If you still carry a pulse, you also carry the ability to change things. I'm not saying it'll be easy, because it sure as hell won't be, but it's at least a start. If you settle on what your life has become, and you're not happy, you're just dying and delaying doing yourself in. That's sad because you're too lazy to change, and too scared to off yourself. God gave us life for one reason, and it wasn't to sit there and worship him or to sit there and be miserable. He gave us life to LIVE!!!! Remember that, and don't ever stop trying until you reach happiness. Anybody can do it. Besides, nobody really wants to listen to you bitch about it.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
My Cursed Blessing
I always thought that I was special. Nobody ever really said that I was, but that's how it was conveyed to me. I felt emotions and feelings that no one could understand, and I never even thought for a moment that this was some kind of miracle. It just simply was who I had been.
Being a child the way I was was never easy, and I let the whole world know it if they were willing to listen. I fought any kind of change in my routine, sometimes kicking and screaming, other times by simply saying, "No, thank you. I don't want to." My family had a hard time understanding it, I'm sure, and if there could have been a way to explain to them how I felt, I would've done so without a second thought. Unfortunately, they had no answers, though. They just took care of me the best they could.
As I grew up I became very apathetic to everything around me. Unless it involved me directly, I simply didn't care. I drank almost every day, not always to excess, but just enough to slow me down a little. My mind went so fast and there were always so many thoughts at once, the alcohol helped me slow it down and organize it. To most around me, they never even knew, and that's how I wanted it. Not being noticed could be my best friend sometimes, even if it were also my worst enemy.
My subconscious was an even bigger mess than when I was awake and alert. My dreams were very vivid and real, and they were so hellish I still don't know what has kept my sanity to date. On the other hand, to see the kinds of things I saw there and actively remember it is quite a gift. Again, small amounts of daily alcohol helped to suppress that part of me, and I would sleep more soundly and less actively.
I always thought I was just gifted. Something different than the run of the mill. I first learned what the condition "autism" Meant when my wife told me our children may have it. We never picked up on it with Julie, since as a toddler she simply acted like how I did when I was one. I soon found out that both our boys would have that curse, and it's now possible that my daughter also has it and we never knew. To my wife and I it was rather difficult news to take. Nobody wants to be told that their children are different. I never cared if I was, but that's because I liked me.
When the psychologist met us for the first time and sat down with my youngest child, she was nearly certain of two things right away. One, that Joshua was more than likely autistic, and two, that I also showed signs of high functioning autism. Now for the first time in my life, I am no longer considered blessed, but rather cursed in some way. This put my entire life from birth up into a whole new perspective.
I would like to say that I am not sorry I found this out. I am the best fucking person I could ever be today because of who I am, what I learned, and how I learned it. I am strong, confident, and certain beyond all doubt that I can, and will, succeed in life. I may not be as sympathetic to others, and I may show my feelings in an entirely different way than the rest of the world, but in a lot of ways that just helps to keep me ahead of things. I am not cursed, but still the gifted person I always was.
As for my three wonderful children, with proper intervention and help, as hard as raising them may be, I have the greatest of hope and faith that they will soar far higher than I ever could, with a strong education and the lord our god to help them. They are, and will always be, the biggest reason why I am blessed and gifted after all.
Being a child the way I was was never easy, and I let the whole world know it if they were willing to listen. I fought any kind of change in my routine, sometimes kicking and screaming, other times by simply saying, "No, thank you. I don't want to." My family had a hard time understanding it, I'm sure, and if there could have been a way to explain to them how I felt, I would've done so without a second thought. Unfortunately, they had no answers, though. They just took care of me the best they could.
As I grew up I became very apathetic to everything around me. Unless it involved me directly, I simply didn't care. I drank almost every day, not always to excess, but just enough to slow me down a little. My mind went so fast and there were always so many thoughts at once, the alcohol helped me slow it down and organize it. To most around me, they never even knew, and that's how I wanted it. Not being noticed could be my best friend sometimes, even if it were also my worst enemy.
My subconscious was an even bigger mess than when I was awake and alert. My dreams were very vivid and real, and they were so hellish I still don't know what has kept my sanity to date. On the other hand, to see the kinds of things I saw there and actively remember it is quite a gift. Again, small amounts of daily alcohol helped to suppress that part of me, and I would sleep more soundly and less actively.
I always thought I was just gifted. Something different than the run of the mill. I first learned what the condition "autism" Meant when my wife told me our children may have it. We never picked up on it with Julie, since as a toddler she simply acted like how I did when I was one. I soon found out that both our boys would have that curse, and it's now possible that my daughter also has it and we never knew. To my wife and I it was rather difficult news to take. Nobody wants to be told that their children are different. I never cared if I was, but that's because I liked me.
When the psychologist met us for the first time and sat down with my youngest child, she was nearly certain of two things right away. One, that Joshua was more than likely autistic, and two, that I also showed signs of high functioning autism. Now for the first time in my life, I am no longer considered blessed, but rather cursed in some way. This put my entire life from birth up into a whole new perspective.
I would like to say that I am not sorry I found this out. I am the best fucking person I could ever be today because of who I am, what I learned, and how I learned it. I am strong, confident, and certain beyond all doubt that I can, and will, succeed in life. I may not be as sympathetic to others, and I may show my feelings in an entirely different way than the rest of the world, but in a lot of ways that just helps to keep me ahead of things. I am not cursed, but still the gifted person I always was.
As for my three wonderful children, with proper intervention and help, as hard as raising them may be, I have the greatest of hope and faith that they will soar far higher than I ever could, with a strong education and the lord our god to help them. They are, and will always be, the biggest reason why I am blessed and gifted after all.
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